letting go? it makes sense.

“To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about it, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride, and its not about how you appear, and it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind in confidence for the future. Letting go is learning, experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up. it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and let yourself free.”

glowing sunset.

my feelings are hurt way to easily. that’s something i’ve learned tonight. or maybe it wasn’t tonight. maybe it wasn’t even recently. i guess i’ve always known, i just haven’t ever tried to change it.

but it hurts my feelings when “friends” do shady (for lack of a better word) things. when “friends” turn their back on you for continuing to be friends with people you’ve been friends with since you were seven years old just because they don’t get along.

i have known casey since i moved to independence in first grade. we were good friends for a long time. and when i started dating branden we got close again because he and branden are best friends. rick came along with all of that because rick and casey’s sister tara were really good friends. so we all hung out together all the time. when things got rough between rick and casey i suppose rick decided that i needed to choose. but i refuse to do that.

$300 on “Pot” every week.

i think once your heart is broken, you never fully recover. once you have loved (or convinced yourself that you have loved) a person deeply enough to let them hurt you, you never make it back. i’m not one to let my guard down. at least, not in real life. ironically, i have no issues with spilling my every thought, feeling, desire, hope, and sadness in a blog to an entire online world of strangers. maybe because i feel like they will understand me because they express themselves too. either way, i could never tell my family and friends how broken i still am.

i sit in my dorm room and look at pictures of branden and me. and not even just of us. i look at pictures of casey and me, cameron and me, samantha and me. all of these wonderful friends that i “gained” through this relationship. and i wonder where the fuck they went too.

branden, i don’t want to think i wasted time with you. because i didn’t. i was able to discover new things to learn, new music to live by, new hopes and dreams to follow. you made me a better person. and i thank you for that. but i am banged up. mentally and emotionally. literally and metaphorically. every day i walk outside and i wonder how i’m going to possibly make it through another day feeling the way i feel thanks to you.

i never thought that we would go back to our lives like this. with me here, you there. pretending that we don’t know each other. maybe it’s for the best. but what if it’s not?

i want so badly to be happy. to like. to love. to LIVE
i should be stronger than this. really, i should.

No cure, only hope.

I have really been trying to bite my tongue in terms of my current situations in life. I have really tried to be a stand up person, and be respectful, and supportive in people doing what they think they need to in order to be happy. (Whether I’m involved in said happiness or not). I have really really really tried to be the bigger person when it comes to everything, and keep my opinions to myself and my closest friends. But enough is enough. And everyone keeps asking, so here:

My heart is not with me right now. But I’m sure if it was, it would be in pieces. Shattered. Thrown across all parts of Independence and Springfield anyways. I still think about him every day. It feels like I’m stuck in yesterday. And I can’t wait until the day I hear a happy love song on the radio and not want to smash the damn thing up against a wall. I harbor jealousy, and hate, and so many other emotions I could not even begin to explain. I’m ashamed. And maybe I’m in denial because I hate dealing with situations that will bring my guard down. I hate being vulnerable. Because it was the greatest feeling I ever had. Followed abruptly by the worst feeling. But even the best fall down sometimes.

For me, it’s never been about titles. Titles mean nothing. It’s never been about bragging. That means nothing too. It’s not about distance, or sex, or phone calls. It’s not about expensive dinners, or visits. It’s about caring about people. It’s about taking care of people’s hearts and feelings when they trust you to do that for them.

I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose something we don’t really even have. Some of us say we’d rather having something than nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway, is ten times harder than not having it at all. But moments are passing really slowly tonight. Probably because it’s all I can think about. My scar hurts. My heart hurts. The memories.. they hurt. And she’s beautiful. Which makes it worse.

I have always been a firm believer in the idea that all things happen for a reason. I have yet to find a reason, but I’m sure there is one. Life if just life. You can’t change it. You can just live it. I have good friends and good family, and life will go on.

“I want you to be with someone who makes you feel what I feel when I’m with you.” – Dawson’s Creek

I don’t want to look back and hold resentment for anyone. I don’t want to think of certain times, or people, or circumstances and harbor anger for any reason. It may be a bit cliche, but that’s where I’m at. Aside from being broken, that is what I want to say.

There is no cure, only hope.

Home sweet Springfield?

I’m sitting on a bed that isn’t mine. In a town where I’m not sure I belong. I thought this was supposed to be home.

Home isn’t supposed to change. Maybe the leaves will look different, or the sports teams will get better.. but home? The people who you love, and are supposed to love you too.. they aren’t supposed to change.

On the same token, Springfield isn’t home either. There too I sit on a bed that isn’t mine, but technically is, and I don’t ever feel like I’m where I SHOULD be spending my time.

I feel as though I’m going through the motions of living a life that isn’t mine. That shouldn’t be mine. But I don’t know how to explain it.

My home, my family, and my heart are in Independence. Some of my best friends are in Columbia. But my school is in Springfield. 3 hours separates me from where I am, and where on most days, I want to be. And I’m not sure what that means.

I’m not sure how to fix what should be my heart. Mostly because it’s broken. And not the kind of broken that you get over. The kind of broken that never heals. The kind that always hurts. The kind where every time something bad happens, you feel like it just got broken all over again.

I miss my Gramma. And I miss my mom. Difference being, I can only enjoy the time left with one of them. I love my mom. And I really hate being so far away from her.

I don’t know what I want anymore. Out of life, out of love, out of anything.

I really don’t. And I’m sick of trying to figure it out. I’m sick of everyone telling me I have to. I’m sick of crying, and being sad.

I’m sick of being torn down.

But I’m the one who is doing it to myself. And I’m not sure how to stop anymore.

Branden.

my boyfriend is going into the air force.

My scar hurts.

it seems extremely poetic and tragic, as well as fitting that our plane is flying through a storm. something like a plane, which is meant to be representative of freedom and dreams coming true, is made to feel like something so much less than it is by rain. which so often ruins other things. (or at least we blame it for such.)

i can love anyone in the world. and so can he.

it’s not something i’m usually open about, but my biggest fear in life is rejection. from friends, jobs, from guys. i tell people that for the most part, i don’t care what others think. i brush myself off, stand tall for a second, and move on. but i think after years of doing so, it all catches up with you.

my Gramma didn’t believe in blank-ness. she believed that every page left in a notebook had a purpose. that it would later be filled with the tales of a healed broken heart, or first dance, or maybe a winning run in a ball game. having said that, i went back through my journal and wrote on every blank page i had left when i was writing.

my scar hurts.

Though an army beseige me, my heart will not fear
Though war break out against me, even then I will be confident
-Psalm 27:3

…. don’t pray when it rains if you’re not going to pray when it shines.

i don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go. it’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t really even have. some of us say we’d rather have that something than nothing, but the truth is, to have it half way… is ten times harder than not having it at all.

this is for the girls who learn the hard way and live to tell about it.

It’s weird. Being so grown…

Kyle Olsen left for his mission today. 2 years in Mexico, away from home and everyone that home entails. I”m really happy that he’s doing what his heart it telling him to, but.. It’s weird. Being so grown…

Matt and Amy are getting married. Love exists enough there that at the end of August, my childhood friend will become a wife. A WIFE! And we’re all invited to the wedding to watch. It’s weird. Being so grown…

After having decided where to go to school, I’m more excited than ever. I can’t wait for the day when I get my briefcase, hundreds of post-its, colored pens, and big leather daily planner. Nerdy as it may sound, I can’t wait to plan events. It’s weird. Being so grown…

I’m at the point in my life where I have come to accept the things in my life that I can not change.

I can not change my recent wounds and broken heart, but I can learn from them. And never settle for the situation that I was putting myself in, ever again.

I can not change death, or sad days, or disappointment, or bad songs played over and over again on the radio. But I can embrace each of these things and use if like a track runner uses starting blocks. As a jump start into the good things. Because letting bad days and sad faces hold me back just isn’t working for me anymore. It’s weird. Being so grown…

My friend Joe from Mizzou called me today. He left MU at semester and joined the Army. I missed the call. And I can honestly say, missing that call today made me genuinely upset. And more so than “Oh, he hurt my feelings!” or “I’m having a bad day.” upset. It really made me sad that he’d been gone and I missed my first chance to talk to him in months. Which made me realize that my priorities need to be different. But in a good way.

Life is more so about enjoying it while it’s happening in the present, rather than worrying about things you can’t control even if you wanted to. I’ve got amazing friends. They’re all individually beautiful as people. And I wouldn’t trade a single one. And I think what’s important right now is living life one day at a time. Spending my time with who I love. And letting the past be just that.. the past.

It’s weird. Being so grown…

my hair.

every day is one step closer.

and i’m not exactly sure what that means.

every day i get up and look in the mirror. and while most people would expect me to say that i stand and evaluate who i am as a person and such.. you should know, that’s not what i look at. truth be told, the first thing i look at.. is my hair.

it’s ALWAYS my hair.

i can always tell by how i feel about my hair, how my day will pan out.

i’ve been insanely tired lately.

mentally, physically, emotionally. i’m not so sure if it’s because i’ve been working a lot, or because of school decisions, or guys, or friends. probably a combination of it all. regardless though, i’m tired.

i planned on running tonight. but it’s raining. and i don’t feel good. so i forewent that idea for sitting in my bed in sweat pants with my notebook.

well, actually. it’s a journal. danielle ross gave it to me for my 19th birthday. with an inscription in it.

“Kimberly, Fill this journal with your thoughts, prayers, hopes, dreams, and lyrics. Always know you can go as far as you want and past the expectations anyone has for you or you have for yourself. I <3 you. Happy 19th birthday. Love, your best friend, Dani Ross”

i can’t believe how much life has changed. not only in terms of myself as a person. but in terms of the people i love and have loved.

don’t get me wrong. i would never take anything that has happened back. i would never take back isaac’s friend card because i would never have gotten to know who he was as a person if it hadn’t happened. i wouldn’t take back robbie coming back around. i wouldn’t take back the growing friendships i have with jess and rachel and hannah and so many others.

but sometimes i wonder what things would be like had it all gone down differently, you know?

but maybe it’s best that i don’t know.

…. yeah, it’s probably best.

i deserve better.

i’m really past the point of crying when i get upset about you anymore. i’m past the point of putting myself in the position where you can so easily make me cry. whether you make me upset or not, doesn’t bring tears to my eyes anymore. you aren’t worth the tears.

all you are is a twenty year old alcohol drinking, X taking, game playing moron.

and that’s not worth crying over. because i deserve better. I DESERVE BETTER. so pop a couple pills, or throw back a few cold ones. or call one of your new little bitches who isn’t bettering her life by going away to school. because I DESERVE BETTER!!!