i’m trying desperately to find something deep and poetic within myself. to find words and phrases that fit together like the ocean and the sand, like fire flies and summer nights, like… anything else that fits together perfectly. but it seems that the harder i try to find that “something”, or to figure out any of the circumstances of what is going on, the further those ideas slip from my grasp or understanding.
i sat in my room on my bed tonight, and i decided that i was in the mood to post. maybe it’s the writer in me, maybe i’m just bored. but either way, i’m going to do it anyways. so if you’re not interested i understand. i give you permission to stop and click out now. this will probably be a little random, and you may not like what i say, so prepare yourself.
i have to tell you how funny it is to look at how much i’ve changed. but it’s even funnier to look at how much i haven’t. sure, i successfully graduated and made it through my first year of college alive. (maybe even with a little liver failure. who knows.) but i’m still extremely afraid of rejection. my feelings are still easily hurt. and i still hide pain with words dripping in sarcasm.
when we’re young, we’re taught that when things get tough we always have tomorrow to look forward to. the notion that tomorrow will always bring better things is one that continues to be taught today. but tomorrow for me brings something different than the promise of something “better”. it brings me one day closer to having to figure out what tomorrow really means. because tomorrow, i have a job interview. tomorrow, is friday. tomorrow is one more day to be lived in my life and never given back.
i didn’t cry during any of my senior nights during high school. at that point, my emotions were so frozen by excitement that they didn’t exist. but my last day at mizzou, i cried my eyes out. actually, my last three days at mizzou, i cried my eyes out.
i have this problem. with trusting people. i meet people and i want to believe so badly that they’re good. that they’re real. that they want just as much as i do to have a healthy and happy relationship or friendship, or whatever it is that we’re trying to accomplish together. and in the end, i am usually proven wrong. maybe it comes down to the fact that i care too much too fast. that i’m too good of a friend to be cared about how i want to be. i guess it’s to be expected. if you set your hopes on someone being great, more than likely, you’ll be let down.
“Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left , that’s when our vision clears. That’s when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. Its all a matter of perspective.”
i like drinks from sonic, and smut magazines. i love iced tea with a wedge of lemon and two sweet and low packets. if you buy me reese’s peanut butter cups and leave them in my car as a surprise for me, i’ll love you forever, NO MATTER WHAT. i have a lot of different friends, and i love hanging out with all of them. my cell phone is attached my hip. its’ name is pumkin. (it’s orange.) i love my family a lot. my mom annoys me sometimes, but i know she loves me and wants what’s best for me, even if i think she’s wrong sometimes. i have a swimming pool and a HUGE deck in my back yard. i like sitting in my chase lounge drinking tea and soaking up some sun…even though i’m still so white i glow. i like polka dots, pretty beaded necklaces, and i’m beginning to dress more like a girl everyday. i love my friends (i know i said that already)… and i scrapbook A LOT. i take pictures of EVERYTHING and i put them in my books. i like a boy who doesn’t like me back, i watch too much tv, i fight with my brother sometimes, and i broke the gas cap on my old car all by myself. i could LIVE on italian or chinese, and i like GRAPE juice.
it’s raining right now. i love the sound of rain hitting the roof. it reminds me that there’s a world outside. i guess it’s time to go join it.
