letting go? it makes sense.

“To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about it, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride, and its not about how you appear, and it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind in confidence for the future. Letting go is learning, experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up. it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and let yourself free.”

glowing sunset.

my feelings are hurt way to easily. that’s something i’ve learned tonight. or maybe it wasn’t tonight. maybe it wasn’t even recently. i guess i’ve always known, i just haven’t ever tried to change it.

but it hurts my feelings when “friends” do shady (for lack of a better word) things. when “friends” turn their back on you for continuing to be friends with people you’ve been friends with since you were seven years old just because they don’t get along.

i have known casey since i moved to independence in first grade. we were good friends for a long time. and when i started dating branden we got close again because he and branden are best friends. rick came along with all of that because rick and casey’s sister tara were really good friends. so we all hung out together all the time. when things got rough between rick and casey i suppose rick decided that i needed to choose. but i refuse to do that.

$300 on “Pot” every week.

i think once your heart is broken, you never fully recover. once you have loved (or convinced yourself that you have loved) a person deeply enough to let them hurt you, you never make it back. i’m not one to let my guard down. at least, not in real life. ironically, i have no issues with spilling my every thought, feeling, desire, hope, and sadness in a blog to an entire online world of strangers. maybe because i feel like they will understand me because they express themselves too. either way, i could never tell my family and friends how broken i still am.

i sit in my dorm room and look at pictures of branden and me. and not even just of us. i look at pictures of casey and me, cameron and me, samantha and me. all of these wonderful friends that i “gained” through this relationship. and i wonder where the fuck they went too.

branden, i don’t want to think i wasted time with you. because i didn’t. i was able to discover new things to learn, new music to live by, new hopes and dreams to follow. you made me a better person. and i thank you for that. but i am banged up. mentally and emotionally. literally and metaphorically. every day i walk outside and i wonder how i’m going to possibly make it through another day feeling the way i feel thanks to you.

i never thought that we would go back to our lives like this. with me here, you there. pretending that we don’t know each other. maybe it’s for the best. but what if it’s not?

i want so badly to be happy. to like. to love. to LIVE
i should be stronger than this. really, i should.